7 Scientifically Proven Signs Your Marriage May Be in Trouble — According to John Gottman
If you’re searching for marriage advice, wondering why your relationship feels off, or Googling things like “How to fix my marriage” or “signs of divorce”, you’re already doing something incredibly important: seeking clarity.
Renowned marriage researcher and relationship psychologist John Gottman has spent decades studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. His research is so reliable that he can predict divorce with 91% accuracy—just by watching a couple interact for ten minutes.
These findings are a goldmine for anyone looking to build a healthy marriage, improve communication, or understand the relationship red flags that signal deeper problems.
Let’s explore the 7 biggest predictors of divorce, along with practical relationship tips you can use to strengthen your emotional connection.
1. Harsh Startup
Conversations that begin harshly almost always end badly. A harsh startup sounds like:
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“We need to talk—now.”
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“Why do you always mess this up?”
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“You never listen.”
Starting a conversation with blame, criticism, or hostility puts your partner on the defensive and damages emotional safety—something essential for any healthy relationship.
2. The Four Horsemen
Gottman’s famous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—are the most reliable indicators of divorce.
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Criticism attacks your partner's character.
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Defensiveness makes conflict impossible to resolve.
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Contempt (the biggest predictor of divorce) shows disrespect and disgust.
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Stonewalling shuts the conversation down.
Couples who want to save their marriage must learn to replace these patterns with healthier communication skills.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling often appears when one partner becomes overwhelmed and shuts down. It looks like:
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Avoiding eye contact
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Responding with short, empty phrases
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Turning away or ignoring the conversation
When stonewalling becomes a habit, the emotional distance grows, making reconnection harder.
4. Flooding
Flooding happens when your nervous system becomes overwhelmed by stress and emotion. You might feel:
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Too angry to speak
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Too hurt to respond
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Too overwhelmed to think clearly
In this state, no meaningful conversation can happen. Couples who understand flooding can create space for calm communication, which is crucial for long-term relationship success.
5. Physiological Distress
Unresolved marriage conflict eventually shows up in the body. Chronic fighting increases stress and can lead to:
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Insomnia
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Headaches
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Stomach issues
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Muscle tension
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Drinking more to cope
When your body is constantly in fight-or-flight mode, your relationship naturally becomes less stable.
6. Negative Sentiment Override (Bad Memories)
When negativity dominates the relationship, even good memories are rewritten in a bad light. Couples stuck here often say things like:
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“I remember our honeymoon… it was awful because…”
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“He’s always been like this.”
This mindset distorts reality and makes small issues feel much bigger.
7. Failed Repair Attempts
All couples argue—even the happiest ones. The real difference between healthy and unhealthy marriages is whether the couple can repair the connection after conflict.
A repair attempt might be:
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A gentle joke
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A sincere apology
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Clarifying a misunderstanding
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Reaching out with a hug
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Saying “I love you, let’s reset.”
When repair attempts fail or are ignored, disconnection grows.